Untethered Genericism

Letting a two year old eat a snack in your bed seems pretty harmless as long as your talking about the usual crackers, granola, even cheese but WATCH OUT FOR THE DEHYDRATED STRAWBERRIES!!!

I know there is always a calm before the storm, because otherwise how would you know it was a storm? I mean, I grew up in a place where it rained 60% of the time. There were no storms per se, just "Breaks" when the sun came out. Its all about perspective.



An equally random rant:

I fully expect standardized testing to accomplish nothing. By definition, standardizing would imply everybody takes the same test... and the distribution of measured success will always be a normal one (normal distribution), because by skewing it low, you create the appearance of general failure, and if you skew it high, you create the appearance of general success (this is what schools do in order to "pass" national standards, or show "improvement") while essentially devaluing those that excel by swallowing up their scores in the critical mass of academic genericism.

And finally, why have so many people given up on our children? Its unnatural to love oneself above their own offspring unless their natural, evolved sense of instinct is compromised, say by drugs or alcohol, for example. What I can't figure out is exactly what in many modern cultures has compromised our instinct. I used to say religion, but now I am beginning so think that may be a symptom. So what is the cause? What instigates our need to be controlled? I know E.O. Wilson and R. Dawkins have good ideas on this topic--among others--and I can just say that if you follow through some of the arguments one may suggest that it all comes down to s sort of stunted intellectual maturation by enabling the sustainability of immature behavior and habits in modern cultures. In other words, instincts such as following instructions from parental figures blindly as a child (to avoid walking off of cliffs, sticking hands in fire, or 0predator territory) are eventually replaced by the ability to make educated decisions as an adult, or at least be able to educate oneself enough to then in turn make a decision.

There is currently very little cultural pressure to enable oneself to develop the skill of self teaching. Free enterprise makes teaching a business, and creates demand for dependence by propagating the institutional monopoly on education, a sort of positive feedback loop. From a more socialist perspective, teaching is directed by the masses which, like democracy, only works well if those masses are educated well enough as a whole to be an educator. One example would be the mistake of ignoring the difference between teaching people stuff, and teaching people how to teach themselves stuff. Some entities end up reinforcing the "teach stuff" as a result of self propagation, that is, entities comprised mostly of those who only know how to teach stuff, and not how to learn.

A third tether on intellectual maturation is economics. Economies drive supply and demand markets on skillsets that sustain the dominant economy. "Skillsets" is the key word here since the definition of that term is half assed, and done within the constraints of greater economic, socialistic, and religious machines that define only a few set paths that are acceptable to those that make up a bulk of the dominant cultural inertia. In other words, economic machines cater to the greater good and benefit from raw labor, people who know stuff.

The first sign of intellectual maturation is the ability to question. Not just to ask questions, but to question the answers. Entities such as governments and religion subvert any pressure for intellectual maturity by making people comfortable not asking questions (in the best case) or afraid of questioning (worst case). Eventually, some predict that modern culture will either fail catastrophically, or wind up re-inventing social systems that have long been used by some insects. These systems are very efficient, and benefit the population as a whole, but at the expense of diversity continuums among individuals.

So, I ask of you: Do you want your kid to be a person, or an ant? If it helps, I've taught my daughter to squish ants.

Today's Random Google Query: thee promise small
Hymn: Precious promise God doth give thee
Amongst all the hustle, I promise thee fanservice! Elbows! « Lux ...
KENNETH THOMAS VS AIRGLOW :: THE PROMISE (THEE-O ; SWEDISH EGIL ...

Gornsplaff Crampet Skunkinhug

On a less crazy note, I have succeeded in convincing myself that I should become a teacher. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but I know I have a lot to offer, a lifetime of experience learning what not to do... like taking life too seriously.

My life in the city is beginning to feel like a cross between japanese anime and a spongebob episode.

go figure.

Transcendental Scars

Above: "Desert Eye"

"Hey ah na na
Ignorance is spoken
Spoken
Hey ah na na
Confidence is broken
Broken
Hey ah na na
Sustenance is stolen
Stolen
Hey ah na na
Arrogance is potent
potent

What I see is unreal
Ive written my own part
Eat of the apple, so young
Im crawling back to start"

from Alice in Chains, "Rotten Apple"

The summer of '08 is winding down, the abysmal and pathetic ride coming to an end. The awakenings, the losses, the barely noteworthy life changes that turned hope and disappointment into confidence and resolve. I guess you could say my priorities are now pretty straight, pretty simple actually. I have a daughter, I love her and I will be there for her. That's all there is to it. So what about everything else?

In the last three months I have seen almost weekly landmarks, little Deja vu's, snippets of things that were reminiscent of some point in my life over the last ten years... and they progressively retreat, further and further back.

Last night I was walking around my neighborhood at like 7:30pm because I really had nothing else to do. I wandered into the movie theatre to watch the new batman... "dark night'. I can't remember the last time I did that, you know just randomly walked into a movie, not so much because I wanted to but because I could (although, it was a great movie). The odd part is that I used to do it all the time, excessively so. It wasn't unusual for me to be running a random errand, and then just dissapear into a movie theater, maybe even a couple times a week.

About six weeks ago I started swimming every other day(-ish) and after a couple weeks of that, I started craving salad and raw meat. Okay, so I always crave raw meat, but fucking salad? Maybe say about 4-5 years ago when I was cycling a lot, and prior to that when I got a lot more exercise than I do have recently, I did occasionally crave stupid shit like broccoli, cucumbers and oil-vinegar dressing instead of ranch.
I started revisiting--touring--spots in Bellingham where I used to hang out in college, and it smells and tingles just like it did then, kinda like I was there in time, only now I'm there as two. I've even kinda lost friend, and in an uncannily similar way to how I found him.... through someone else. I won't go there right now.

These are just a few examples of little habits, life quirks that used to be... then for some reason, went away. Now they are coming back mostly in the reverse order of their disappearance. I started making a list, its two pages long now (and private so I won't post here)... but its fucked up how many things in my life changed for the worst, now are starting to trickle back in. Its like my head has been slipping into some alternate universe for the last 10 years, and now I'm swinging back.

I am not religious, and besides telling people 13 is my lucky number (which it is) I'm not superstitious either--but I could swear its a sign of a kind of rollback to... well, what? The beginning, the beginning of the end? the end of the beginning? Maybe this is just what it feels like to have your soul torn apart, chewed away, left for dead and then to suddenly start healing. You know, like getting skin back after getting burned. It certainly hasn't been withoug the scars.

Funny... I still have the scar on my finger from getting bitten by my pet piranah the day I moved to Seattle from Bellingham. I suppose, using this totally asinine logic that if I get bitten, by something or somebody, it will be that I soon retreat to hamsterland in the clouds.

I wonder what that scar will look like.

Today's Random Google Query: weather frightened boy
Silent Boy: He Was a Frightened Boy who Refused to Speak - Until a ...
STORY TIME: The frightened boy-DAWN - Young World; November 10, 2001
Frightened Boy Scouts huddled in tent as tornado killed four

Just a sober moment of silence

Just a reminder to remember all the lives lost on this day seven years ago, and all the lives that will be lost as a result of this day that I know, we will never forget.

peace.

Seventeen years ago tomorrow...

I began my first real experiment with getting really punch ass drunk. Totally inebriated. I guess it was a good experience to have: Three 16/17 year olds throwing back half gallon of Jose Cuervo and a full case of Rainier? Yeah. Well, tomorrow evening I am going to celebrate moving on to bigger and better things (I will be exactly two-fold older) and swing by my new favorite watering hole in hamstertown (dos padres) and order myself a Budweiser and shot of Jose Cuervo Tradicional.

Oh... come on, I'm fucking with you. I wouldn't allow another sip of Jose anything to cross my lips again. I'll probably stick with Dos Equis and A double shot of Patron. Does that sound better? Good. Cheers.

"Warped"
-----------------------------------------------

Oh... and before I forget: We should all kiss the ground being that we're still here, and the power-up test of the Large Hadron Collider didn't blow us up (or at least not yet). Of course it'll be another month before we see if the real experiment was a bad idea when they actually collide stuff. Maybe getting sucked into an earth-born black hole will be fun, you know a real once-in-a-lifetime experience. Check out: "Why the Large Hadron Collider must be stopped".

Today's Random Google Query: O beautiful conversation
A Conversation with Picture Book Illustrator Kevin O'Malley
Voices in Wartime Blog: Haunting voice of 'O beautiful death'
Sarah Michelson in conversation with Tere O'Connor | Critical ...

Pingeon holes and Leaky Squirrels

Sanity is tough to define. I know right from wrong, or at least I know how to interpret social norms (though I may not buy into certain justifications or lack thereof). I can say that I don't have voices in my head, and I don't believe I am paranoid in an unhealthy way (perhaps the line here does get pushed occasionally). I think where things get sketchy is when I have to think. I itry and focus on one thing, but shit leaks into my thoughts that compromises how I process them. I keep getting mixed up. I think I need a fucking vacation. I think maybe that apple I saw the squirrel bury in a yard the other day in hmastertown had the right idea: can't handle it right now? Bury it. Dig it up later when I have time to deal with it. But it doesn't work. I get stuck thinking about hibernating squirrels (probably because I was immersed in hibernating squirrel shit for almost three years) and then wonder where I would be able to find a siberian hamster for my daughter so that she could learn about hibernation by "storing it in the fridge (yes... you can do this, and no, its not cruel if the hamster isn't a mutt). Then I wondered what kind of apple the squirrel was burying, and what apple kimchi would taste like if there were such a thing. Better yet what happened to that awesome korean place in the u district that sold the best bi-bim-bop. And I wish people would stop asking me to make them assays containing beta actin, only to later complain that the beta actin is a bad control. Engineers make poor biologists. Of course, I must also admit that biologists dont' make good engineers. So what about Bio-Engineering? They are engineers. Period. So stop trying understand the formula for molecular evolution because THERE ISN'T ONE. And if I had a dime for everytime I lost track of what I was doing, I would be a rich bastard. I need a fucking vacation.


Today's Random Google Query: began distance length
The Hindu : New Delhi News : IP varsity to begin distance education
Supply, N.C., community college campus may begin distance learning ...
How to Begin a Long Distance Relationship | eHow.com

Cheery Oh's and Cherry Ho's.

I learned that you can swim half a mile after eating McDonalds, but it requires the ability to swallow back puke with your head underwater (which apparently I have). I figured I'd try and make up for that ill judgement by eating cheerios and a pickle for breakfast (both are healthy, right?). That actually would have been fine except that the pickle was one of those gawd awfull 1.5 punders that you can get at the Boar's head deli. I should just stick to oreos and crickets.

--------------------
Right: 'Otherside'
--------------------

On a different note: Now that I can walk to work, I am beginning to miss all the great stories I used to hear from the regular prostitutes and drug addicts that rode my old bus (it stopped by both the county jail downtown and the methadone clinic, all between my on-stop, and off-stop).

I ran into one of them downtown yesterday and she started asking me how my daughter was, how work was going and that was fine (although it creeped me out that she knew all this) but the whole time I'm waiting there at the bust stop, she would be rambling and then occassionally mid-sentance ask some random passerby whether they were looking for a date or needed 'work' (not so code code for crack). This wouldn't normally bother me as I'm pretty friendly with all types, but this was in the middle of the business disctrict durring rush hour, and everyone around me was wearing suites and carrying briefcases, and somehow I just knew something was up, she was too comfortable and wasn't high.

This morning I saw her on my now current side of town getting out of the back of an unmarked van with three plaincloths, then hand them a manilla envelope. I guess she's a cop. Maybe I should find out how much that info is worth.

Weird.

Today's Random Google Query: cousin somebody live
YouTube - Travis Tritt - I'm Gonna Be Somebody (live acoustic)
All About Life: For My Cousin Curt: Bye Bye Mariah Carey: You will ...
My cousin doesn't want to live at home, she's only 13 and lives in ...

Back Daddy House

...and then she said to me with words unspoken: "when the shadow you cast covers more sand than that of your lifeless body, it is time to find shelter... or death".

[from unusually lucid dream I had last night]

------------------------------------------------------
above: "unsheltered innocence"

Sadness takes many forms. It hides in places we prefer to believe it cannot go. Often there is sadness in hope. Sometimes it resides in confidence. Occasionally sadness can be found in comfort, and those who sport the keenest eyes, can even find sadness in joy. Others will surely find it in desire. But all that being what it is, the real tragedy is that there is always sadness in love.

The burden of love is compromise. Its necessary, a line of defense against the erosion of shiny new optimism, and hope. But like all things real, the wear of compromise will expose the sadness within. It is thus critical to embrace, and not lose, the sadness once born into view to avoid unearthing the only thing scarier than sadness... rage.

SO where then, you ask, does fear fit in? Fear does not hide. Fear is what comes when all these other things have escaped you... or have been let go.

Today's Random Google Query: comes letter about
Letter to the Editor: Respect for copyright comes from education ...
Lefsetz Letter » Blog Archive » The Ticket Comes With The Album
Web Letters: The Rev. Jesse Jackson Comes to Denver

Chrome: Microsoft and Dads get a spanking.

Anybody remember Netscape? I do. All I have to say about that, is this: payback's a bitch.

For those who don't know what I am talking about, I'm talking about "Chrome" googles new web browser. Its basically an even more extreme version of simplicity than FireFox, and for those who simply want a functional, smart, and lighting fast browser with no bull, this brilliant piece of software (currently a beta release) illustrates the addictive power of speed and elegance. Granted, if you are one of those people who don't like change... this is not the browser for you.

ON a different note: I have been reading up on WA laws regarding child support, and more importantly, the history surrounding their legislation. Apparently one aspect of current child support calculations was intended to discourage people from leaving a relationship with a child involved. This would certainly make sense if the person leaving was leaving the child behind (and especially if they made a lot of money). I am learning however, if you're the one who gets left behind without the child, the assumption is that it is due to abuse of some sort. In the case where one parent leaves with child IN SPITE OF the other parent being a good parent and wanting to be part of the child's life on a daily basis, the laws actually handicap that parent... a lot (details to come).

Note that I haven't use the words mom or dad. That's because in Washington, the laws are pretty even-steven when it comes to male/female parents. The assumptions used to architect the laws are based on a variety of christian morals, socialist dictation, the desire to encourage traditional families, and to discourage becoming a dead-beat dad. I get quotes from all sides from various studies on the social well being of kids in diefferent situations, but as a scientist, it became immediately clear after reviewing them that most of these studies are the epitomy of "soft" science--that is, "scientific" results that were derived partially based on either assumptions, or an expectation of outcome. In other words, the "science" behind the legislation is more spin doctoring than science. Either way, in theory it doesn't matter which party is mom, or which party is dad to the state (there is such a thing as dead beat moms in washington)

There's the rub. At the end of the day, it depends on the judge in that there is nothing preventing a judge to use tender-age doctrine which states that all things being "equal" mom gets custody even though the state doesn't yet officially use this (and correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears as though WA doesn't fully recognize "joint" custody). Even if both parents come to a mutual agreement that one house hold is better to live in than another for any reason, the state still processes the child support using the same calculations, which let me tell you, it doesn't matter how much money you make... if you are paying child support in Washington, you can pretty much kiss retirement, or savings for your kid's college fund goodbye (unless of course the person RECEIVING the child support is responsible enough to use it appropriately--good luck with that).

As I am not a lawyer, and do not have much experience on this topic, I don't claim to understand the stats on how often it goes one way or the other, or what types of exceptions can be made etc.... and that's why I researched more on the social history behind the legislation, which is entirely different than the legal aspects that an attorney is versed in... so if your an attourney reading this, feel free to comment.

In short, I can tell you that the state of Washington in an attempt to non-discriminatorily discourage people abandoning children (financially, or physically), has totally fucked over a dad who wants nothing more than to be with, and raise his daughter. I used to boo at those dads on tv that were protesting the legislation, thinking "those assholes, who the hell do they think they are" and here I am saying now: how the fuck did anybody let this happen? Sometimes things are definitely not what they seem.

Today's Random Google Query: understood sit justice
Need to re-understand justice :: KanglaOnline ~ Your Gateway
Truthdig - Reports - Tipping the Scales of Justice in Jena
Battered but not beaten, Zimbabwe farmers seek justice - CNN.com

Lessons in Deception

This is a great little lesson in chaos theory for me today: The random google search in the post prior to this a few minutes ago? It was done, as usual and as promised, after the entire post was written (my self-imposed rules state that I can make grammar/spelling corrections). And again, the random google search is a program that selects 3 words at random (using the stand random number generator build into the perl 5 interpreter) then executes the search and returns simultaneously the three words it picked, and the top three lins for that word combination, in that order using google's perl API.. I DO NOT PICK THE WORDS, AND I DO NOT RE-PICK WORDS. Obviously you have to take my 'word' (no pun intended) for it, but no matter... the intent of this experiment was for my own edification, and I just chose to share. So take it, or leave it.

To add to the creepiness of the coincidence (and that is what it is for the previous post) I was just having a conversation about this at the bar the other night (the fact that true randomness often doesn't look random 'enough' to people because we are instinctively so obsessed with finding patterns).

anyhow... cheers to those who like what I'm doing, and jeers to those who think I'm full of shit.

Bellinghamster Seattleite now in orbit

In orbit, that's right. Going around in circles, getting glimpses of the beautiful catastrophes that flicker in and out of sight as I spin back to earth in a blaze of disappointing glory. I feel that my daughter gets too look up once a week and say "hi daddy" just in time for me to vanish beyond the fuzzy blue horizon, only to reappear a week later. This was the agreement, I guess. The pattern--disturbingly familiar--is trickling into every facet of my now weekly routine (a word I hate by the way). I don't like it. I suppose there is some safety and comfort in routine, but not the kind I'm looking for.

[Right: 'Think Twice"]

Summer is pretty much over in some ways, and am dissapointed that for the entire summer I did not once get to have my daughter in the place where I actually live. For that I reserve great resentment, but for now I will focus on gaining what I can in the future, for I have no use use for the past at the moment.

above: 'Rember Me'
----------------------------------------------------

Oh... and for some reason vasopressin/oxytocin receptor genes have just now become known in pop-media as pair bonding (or "monogamy") genes (newscientist.com,richarddawkins.net. Appearently it takes fifteen years and human application to make it interesting even though the mechanisms and observations have been understood for a while (see nature1993). I have been following studies involving oxytocin and vasopressin for about ten years (ever since I did a review paper on the female orgasm in collage--yes, i'm dead serious, and no it doesn't work as a pickup line, trust me).

Anyhow, on an more predictable random note:

Today's Random Google Query: kitchen women deep
The Women in God's Kitchen
Kitchen sink bigotry still runs deep | Independent, The (London ...
Keen Truckee - Women's Deep Lichen/Lilas price comparison

Derailed

The duality of my perspective on life is starting to take an interesting turn. Things I thought were in my past seem to be showing some ripples in the calmest areas of my mind, while things I was feeling had been reined into my immediate field of view have started to slip out of focus. Oddly, my gut tells me these are mostly good. Now if only I had the bandwidth to try and shed the anxiety that comes with relative blindness. I will, for now, rely entirely on instinct (as I have little faith) to guide me to a place that can deliver at least some relative comfort, and maybe even hope. Wish me luck.

above: 'vanishing point'
---------------------------------------

As safe as the train is supposed to be, now that I take the Amtrak all the time, I am finding that trains aren't without their casualties. Twice in two weeks (this was a couple weeks ago) somebody got smooshed between Eugene OR, and Seattle, WA (to clarify, it was a train that did the smooshing). One apparently involved headphones, another a truck.

Speaking of luck... I feel lucky, in an awkward way, to be blessed with a deconstructive sense of creativity, morbid fascination with life, an obsession with the cryptic beauty of decay and a love of chaos. Why? I think maybe its because I feel that if I were to lack passion for the distasteful, and ugly truths in life I may be wooed into a more fantastic view of my very existence that would seriously compromise my ability to be honest with myself, let alone with anybody else.

And finally, a reminder that this blog has reverted back to a random assortment of thoughts, experiences, and my photo's (all photos that are not my own are referenced appropriately). For those of you who used to come her to see the latest images of bibi, you will need to go to flickr site. And remember... all random google queries are done AFTER writing the post (if you are wondering why this is important, well, think about it). In fact, lets see what it comes up with today:


Today's Random Google Query: sort opened loss
Federer blames viral infection for Australian Open loss - Tennis ...
Loss of the Homotypic Fusion and Vacuole Protein Sorting or Golgi ...
IT Resource Center forums - Open VMS 6.2 block
loss on root disk.