Patience is a virtue. Right?

In almost 4 weeks, I have seen my daughter about 3 and a hlf days. Its killing me. Ialmost wish I could say I did something to deserve this, because at least then I could answer the question as to why this is happening to me. But alas, the cookie once again crumbles not in my favor and for that I am becoming resentfull.

Thing is, most of my life I always figured if I ever got in too deep or ran out of directions to go with nothing left to lose, I could just end it all and poof, problems gone. But now, the one thing in this world that means the most to me... let me rephrase, that means everything to me, is the one thing that I would hurt the most if I did that. Now, I'm really stuck. I tried to have a career and a family and found out that that wasn't possible, and noow I have to cut anchor to escape complete mental oblivion. I hope that my daughter can some day forgive me for throwing away everything I have spent the last 15 years working for, and that she will understand that no matter what, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that I am there for her and give her the best I can give. I also hope that one day she asks her mom why she did this to her dad, because I think her mom owes her an honest answer.





Today's Random Google Query: know talk words
Baby-talk show: Do you know how many words your child spoke today ...
Wikipedia talk:Words to avoid - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
IT'S LIKE, YEAH, WHAT, YOU KNOW ..AND THAT - Mirror.co.uk

Poopy Fingers and Bug-Buggering

A sign in our stall at work (below), and nice pornographic shot of two shit-flies (right).

Can you tell I'm having a shitty day?

Yeah, me niether.

Cheers.

The Event Horizon Of Sanity

Above: "An Unclear Path"

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Drawn to it, like a moth to a flame. Undesireable artifacts of evolution. Sometimes we just can't help ourselves avoid the programmed tendencies that once served a purpose. Now, when triggered without usefull function it becomes a burden at best, and at worst, self destructive. The most unfortunate reality is that once triggered, the societal expectation is that we supress it, and this ultimately leads to conflict both internal and external. Most of this being taboo or simply inconvenient, ends up being contained by our own personal event horizon where we are trapped for a dual with ourselves. The sad reality is that at the end of the dual, it doesn't matter who won, because we are still all alone.


Event Horizon -- taken from wikipedia:
"In general relativity, an event horizon is a boundary in spacetime, an area surrounding a black hole, beyond which events cannot affect an outside observer. Light emitted from inside the horizon can never reach the observer, and anything that passes through the horizon from the observer's side is never seen again."

Today's Random Google Query: quick afternoon dinner
Sporthotel Sillian - Sport, Familien und Wellness Hotel Osttirol ...
Spices of Life » Dinner Doctor: Single Millie, Quick and Easy
Betis Travel Tour Operator | Relaxing in Corfu | Corfu, Hotel ...

hate to love, but love to hate

right: "the ribbit infantry"
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Today we recieved T-shirts, our first official "model" from marketing for our company. Our slogan still makes me chuckle (I'm avoiding any dirct refernces to my company to avoid any censorship of this blog... hmm... but then, ironically, isn't that what I'm doing voluntarily?)

I'm still fascinated by peoples fascination with a whore-cranking politician. I can't even begin to understand what is news worthy about this. I'm always a bit shocked when I'm reminded at how naive most people are. The other day I was sitting with a friend and nodded at an extremely hot young mexican girl. I was scolded for such suggestive behavior because she was "probably only 14". Last night she approached me as I got off the bus and asked if I was looking for a date, and when I said "no" she upped the anty by accepting crack as payment, and would "do ass fucking". I still said no as anal isn't really my thing, and I don't dabble in crack, but it made me smile knowing that as creepy as I may seem, I can't even approach the uglineess of truth itself (that is, until as an afterthought it occured to me that I have never buttfucked a 14 year old hispanic....). Anyhow, in case your wondering... I still just walked away, and she probably had a fine time getting crammed by somebody who was ultimately quite satisfied with their business transaction. In the end, I don't really see what the problem is.

Thought of the day:
------------------------
Some people think I'm jaded.
Some People think I'm lost.
Some people think I'm smart,
and others think I'm dpressed.
Some folks believe I'm a good person,
others think I'm insane... others still,
think i'm pure evil.
But at the end of the day
I am to you whatever you see,
and thats always been
just fine with me.

Song lyric of the day:
-------------------------

"I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same"

"Every day is exactly the same", nine inch nails

Today's Random Google Query: years laugh former
Jackie ;The Joke Man; Martling is Now Making Kids Laugh ... Former ...
Laugh Former Fat Guy Blog
Laugh till you protest: how satire is at the forefront of TV ...

The worst good day of my life.

Today I had my performance review with flying colors. I guess they want to keep me around for a while. The funny thing is, I couldn't care less. I will go about doing my job, just a little more conformed than the year before, and pull my creativity just a little farther inside the box so that everybody can remain "comfortable" with my ideas and approach.

title: It ain't easy being bean.
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Its almost been a week since I have talked to or seen my daughter, the longest time since she was born (she is 18moths old next week). Its amazing how the absence of this one tiny person can render the rest of your life totally meaningless. I guess that's a good thing, because I am about to throw it all away to be with her. I guess all I really had here in Seattle was a career, which is clearly overrated. At this point I feel like I wouldn't mind sleepng in doorways and eating day-old fried chicken if it meant I got to see her every day. Now I know how people end up like that... because there is more to being a bum than not having a job.

"See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all...
Right where it belongs"

-Right Where It Belongs, nine inch nails

Today's Random Google Query: blood things appearance
Count Blood Count - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
THE SECOND APPEARANCE OF JESUS
MySpace.com - With Blood Comes Cleansing BUY HORROR!! - Albany, US ...

A new end, and an old beginning.

above: "Erosion of Innocence"
photography and graphic design by Tim Dahl

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"Beware the ides of march." -- from Julius Cesar, by William Shakespear

Today is a point in in my life that I will remember as the reality check that either changed everything, or should have. Today is the day I had to say goodbye to my 17 month old daughter Bibi because topday her mom (my ex) is moving to Bellingham (I live in seattle). I won't go into details, but I will say that "difficult" vastly understates this situation. A good family friend, Tom Sullivan, once told my just before she was born that there are three types of love in this world: "The kind you have for your family, that is a given, a default and is one that if preserved is unconditional. Then there is the love you feel when you meet a life partner, one you can share your life and family with." Then he said "and then there is the love you have for your own child, the greatest one of all." At the time I took it in and contemplated it. Now I know with all my heart, that statement to be true. Even with some useful (if not canned) wisdom about relationships--such as letting someone go and if they really love you, they will come back--doesn't seem to apply clearly since "mom" is the one leaving. I am scared to death that to a toddler, this will be perceived as me abandoning her. It seems that in this social climate, the default assumption is that its dad's fault. And I have no doubts that it will not be long before the question "where's your dad" comes up, and I can only hope the answer is "Seattle" and not that she doesn't have one.



I realized I haven't posted an entry since august. I will be posting much more regularly now that I will have more time to myself.


"love is a fire.
burns down all that it sees
burns down everything,
everything you think
burns down
everything you say."
-- "just a car crash away", Marylin manson

Oh and I will continue to post a random google query with every entry.

Oh, and a reminder about my "rules" for generating the random google query:
1 -- the query is randomly chosen via a perl program from a list of the 1000 most common english words.
2 -- THE RANDOM WORDS ARE NOT GENERATED UNTIL THE MAIN ENTRY HAS BEEN WRITTEN so as not to bias what I write about (an entry is coming soone to discuss the results of a two year long experiment.... lets just say, those horoscopes, its a mind game).

Anyhow....
Today's Random Google Query: blue come leaving
G Blue and Soulmate - Leaving MP3 Download @ KOHit.net
the fashion rookies' jar: leaving in a blue bus.
Orange and Blue - Leaving La Isla